Having kids is rad, seriously. It has changed my life for the better and I wouldn’t trade a thing about it…Well, actually there are a few things that totally suck and I could do without.
I have mentioned previously that I have two wonderful children named Madeline and Baylor. Well, my husband also has private nicknames for our precious little sweethearts… “Cockblock” and “Buzzkill.” One way or another, these kids will try to wreck your night. On any given occasion at least one of them will try to ruin your vodka buzz by harassing you for a sippy cup or some other such nonsense. Either that, or the other one will try to climb in your bed constantly throughout the night. How exactly do they know how to wake up at the most inopportune times? Do they have built-in radar? Is this what they are teaching them in preschool these days? “Forget the ABC’s, kids- here’s the straight talk. Want to make sure your parents don’t have any more of those attention-whoring babies? Just pop up constantly throughout the night and go check on Mommy and Daddy to make sure they are sleeping. Trust me guys, it will work!”
If that isn’t enough to destroy you, how about this one? Early morning wake-ups. If you are unfortunate enough to experience this for any extended period of time, it can make you question your sanity quicker than a week spent in a jail cell with Paris Hilton. Plus, on top of the early rising, the little freaks tend to wake up with entirely more energy than is necessary for 5:45 AM. We don’t live on a farm, kid, go back to sleep! The only cow to be milked in our neighborhood is the fat lady around the corner who is still nursing her 5-year-old. And Johnny clearly has that situation under control.
Also irritating is having to get a babysitter to watch the kids after they are already asleep. I mean, really. Can’t the neighbors just keep an ear out for screams or breaking glass? Maybe they could simply sniff outside their front doors occasionally for the scent of fire and then just text me to let me know everything is OK?
The worst part of all just may be when you have recently overcome a major hurdle with your child. Maybe you have finally convinced young Tim that it is really not all that cute to secretly poop behind the couch. He finally stops and ALL IS WELL WITH THE WORLD AGAIN! You are high off of what has clearly been your accomplishment and starting to feel like you really have your shit together as a parent. And then two minutes later you notice your youngest child picking his nose and feeding his boogers to the dog.
Here we go again…