Hell ain’t got shiz on being pregnant with twins

Ha, ha- made you look! I’m not really pregnant with twins, but as I cruise into this last month of pregnancy I feel like I might as well be. Plus I thought the words shiz and twins kinda rhyme? Maybe not. I recently read that by the 3rd trimester, women are operating on only about 80% of their normal brainpower. I could be making that statistic up. I am currently lacking the brainpower to do a simple google search to try and find the article where I may or may not have read that…

So I’m 36 1/2 weeks pregnant (do not try to cheat me out of that 1/2 week, I earned it goddammit!). And although I have been saying I am 9 months pregnant for a few weeks, (close enough, right?) it is now official. Even though this is my 3rd pregnancy, I am constantly able to amaze myself with my naivety. It was only one short week ago that I was out to dinner with friends, feeling just fine. I distinctly remember thinking, “I am like a serene earth mother. I can totally handle this last month of pregnancy. It really is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. I will be just fine, it’s not going to be as miserable as I remember it being the last two times.”

Ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaaa! Just a few days later, after the torrential downpours in NE Florida were over, the heat returned. And with it came my misery. My estimate is that 84.7% of the negative things associated with the last month of pregnancy can be attributed to the temperature. Well, at least this has been my experience. All three of mine have been summer babies.

Believe it or not, I actually planned it this way. I guess because I already have a boy and a girl, sometimes people think that this was an accidental pregnancy. Clearly these are people who do not know me very well. I plan out my kids outfits a week in advance. I write things like “take vitamin” on my daily to-do list. I have a routine for doing my routines. When my husband and I moved into our house we replaced the flooring. And it is no coincidence that the hardwood and carpets very closely match the color of our dirty blonde heads (makes for much cleaner looking floors, even when they are covered in hair). People with OCD have nothing on me. Do you really think I would leave something like a human life up to chance? No way, Jose!

I think I just love to torture myself. Why would I quit when things were just starting to get easy around here? I mean, I have two kids who wake up and get their own cereal and milk out of the fridge and watch several hours a tiny bit of TV while Mommy and Daddy catch up on their beauty rest. Clearly I needed to find a way to destroy my little piece of heaven. So I planned a pregnancy that would end in late July…Please remind me not to do that again.