My two new favorite words, muff and DILF

Several years ago, me, Cruggers, and Madeline visited Long Island, New York in December. We were accompanied by Crug’s extended family and best of all, Mommy Glo. This visit coincided with what even seasoned New Yawkers considered to be some really damn cold weather. All of us Floridians would finally get the opportunity to dust off our winter gear. We were eager to wear our cute hats, scarves, and puffy coats. And, oh yeah, our mittens and gloves, too.

Imagine the horror when then-2-year-old Madeline lost one of her precious new mittens! But it wasn’t Madeline who had a hard time getting over it. It was Mommy Glo who really struggled over the loss. She wandered the house day and night looking for the lost mitten. The only thing is, much like she does with me, she refused to refer to the mitten by its proper name. She kept calling it a “muff.” Now I don’t know about you but when I hear the word muff, something very, very different from a mitten comes to mind…hmm, I guess both are warm and cozy on the inside…oh, gross. I’ll stop there.

I still remember MG wandering all over the house like it was yesterday. “The girl lost her muff! Has anyone seen the missing muff? I wonder where she left her muff…” Needless to say, the whole family had many laughs over my girl’s missing muff. And I really started to believe that my child’s grandmother was indeed a pervert. And then earlier today my mom showed me an alphabet quilt she made with some fabric left over from the stone age a really long time ago. Here is the image for the letter “M”:

Maybe MG is not a total perv after all! Or maybe she still is, it’s just that her and The Hurricane are in cahoots with each other in their perversion. I don’t know. But even if they are not perverts, I do have a teenybopper girl cousin (“Horndog”) who definitely is.

So Horndog came to my neighborhood last night for trick or treating with some friends. When they returned to my house, Horndog excitedly announced that she wanted to move in with me. Not because I’m a fun cousin who lets her drive my car or pilfer my alcohol or anything like that. Oh, no. She wanted to move into my house because apparently my neighborhood is filled with “DILF’s.” Having never heard this expression, I was quite amused. (I know, it’s not a word, rather an acronym, release, people.)  And I won’t go into an explanation of what a DILF is. If you know, you know and if you don’t, you probably are better off not knowing. So, having learned some new lingo, I was feeling like a young hipster. I was thinking that I might start throwing this terminology into everyday use. Talking to my neighbor at the park, “Yo, Beck-Beck! Check out the ass on the DILF by the slide! Suh-weet!” Or at preschool pick-up, “Hey Shirley, did you notice Timmy’s dad’s biceps? That DILF must be on his way to the gun show.” I probably wouldn’t say anything so corny in real life, yes I would but learning a new word just gets my giddy sometimes.

And then of course, I had to do a google search on “DILF.” And I discovered this gem from the geniuses over at funnyordie.com

And that’s all I have to say about that.

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The New Facebook has ticked me off, this is my protest

Hmm, it seems like most everyone else in my family has started blogging so why not me? I mean, really. I am a stay at home mom caring for two sweet babes, 5 year old Madeline and 2 year old Baylor…Who out there is not dying to learn about my fascinating life? Here goes.

Thanks to preschool I have a guaranteed 8 hours of free time each week. Today was one of those “magic” preschool days (read: either Tuesday or Thursday)…I spent one of my free hours strolling down memory lane, transferring all of my family movies from 2008-2009 from computer to DVD…Lately I have considered pushing myself into the arms of an institution by just thinking about getting pregnant again. But watching the old videos almost makes me re-think having another baby. I mean, I just saw myself post-mortem! Oh, I mean post-partum. And so raggedy and exhausted-looking with my main fashion accessory being a crying baby. Just watching the old videos makes me want to plan a hallucinogenic vacation. Ha ha, jk…sorta. Honestly, I have never taken anything stronger than a very mild Zanax combined with a glass of wine…OK, fine, a bottle of wine, you stickler, you.

And then I dedicated another hour of my freedom to becoming a “sweeper.” I’m actually not sure if that it what it is called but my rudimentary (I had to look that up- I thought the word I wanted was “rudite”) sweepstakes education tells me this is correct…Doing sweepstakes online was pretty fun, kinda like gambling without spending any money. I’m sure my dear husband would probably prefer that I get some type of real job, but really? If I could manage to pull a tropical island vacation out of my ass, I think he might get on board with this new hobby.

And to top off this mundane and typical Thursday, I am practically famous now as I was featured on the news earlier today. Oh yeah! I live in Florida where we have state sponsored pre-kindergarten education for 4-year-olds. Apparently the standards are being increased for these programs and my local news station needed a real expert (read: mom picking up kid from preschool) to discuss these new changes…How hard do you think it might be to watch a close-up of your face in HD on a 47-inch flatscreen? Well, it’s true you will find me at the first Weight Watchers meeting I can crash tomorrow. But even worse than my super-sized face was the Valley-girl persona I took on during my interview…Apparently my now-Kindergartner “wouldn’t be doin’ so great” without pre-k, spoken all dippy-like and complete with hair flip.

And that was my Thursday, how was yours?