How to be a slacker mom like me

Here are a few tips for those who wish to gain some free time despite those pesky kids underfoot. Warning: if you have only one child and said child is still a baby, you may be horrified by this post. Just wait, though. I remember a time when my sweet baby girl angel was but a wee little thing and my mother-in-law came for a visit. You remember Mommy Glo, right? MG was holding her innocent baby grandchild while sitting on the couch watching TV. I had heard of the dangers of letting babies watch TV and the damage it can cause with their speech patterns and such. In order to protect baby Madeline from the horrifyingly dangerous rays of the television, I actually used my body as a shield to block the TV from her line of sight. I simply would not allow her perfect baby self to be traumatized by even one Oprah commercial. Cut to five years later. Here are my tips:

1. Turn on the TV. As much as you need it. Seriously, as long as it is balanced with outside time, playing with friends, and most importantly the occasional visit to the wine vineyard in nearby St. Augustine (fun for kids, too!), how bad could it really be? Now I am not at all advocating an all-day everyday TV type existence like the one I had growing up. No lie, I had a TV schedule posted on the refrigerator. And I’m not talking about the one they print in the newspaper. No, I had my own handwritten schedule of what I watched every day after school, from 3pm till bedtime. Heaven forbid I miss a crucial episode of Webster or Diff’rent Strokes…Or Family Ties…Or Growing Pains…OMG, pulling up the links for the theme songs for these shows makes me all nostalgic. The Growing Pains one actually gave me the chills. I digress…

2. Take couch naps. Daily. Be sure to pick a child friendly movie to serve as babysitter so as to keep your children safe and all. Ponyo is ideal. Monsters, Inc., not so much. This movie contains scream after scream after scream. And screaming tends to interrupt ones peaceful couch slumber. And that is just tacky.

3. Act really vague whenever anyone asks you to volunteer to do something for your kids school or their activities. Eager-Mom type, “Hey! Would you like to volunteer to serve as the co-captain of our annual strawberry harvesting/cheesecake pumpkin squirrel procreation project?!” Me, “Um, yeah, um, oh wait, um, I am pretty sure I have something going on that day? Let me check my, um, calendar and let you know?” Be sure to NEVER follow up on this for as long as you live.

4. Eat at Chick-Fil-A. Often. You shell out no more than $15 for the whole fam to eat and then you get to check your mom hat at the door. The kids will easily spend an hour in the playpen play area while you get to check Facebook on your phone. Even better, bring your laptop and you can really get down on some internet scum. Just don’t ever make the newbie mistake I made for so long. Whatever you do, DO NOT sit inside that play area hell-hole. It will make your blood pressure rise faster than Bill Clinton’s man-parts did around Monica Lewinsky.

Now here’s the downside of all of this slacker mom stuff. My husband is on to me. If he comes home again unexpectedly during the day and catches me on the computer while my 2-year-old is drooling to Dora, he will likely divorce me. I prefer to know at least an hour ahead of time when he will be home. That way I can perform my normal evening routine just prior to his arrival.

I fire up my garlic scented candle. This way he has no idea that the kids really had chicken nuggets for dinner, it smells like a friggin’ Italian restaurant in here. Then I sprinkle a little flour on the countertops to imply that I have spent a bit of time baking during the day. I even take the time to lovingly scrub the marker and snot stains off the faces of my children. Supermom-like, I know.

One of my slacker mom friends has similar actions she performs just prior to her husband returning home from work. The second she hears the garage door opening, off the couch she goes. She literally pops up like toast, turns off the latest episode of Sister Wives and races to the kitchen to dump some bleach down the sink. When her man walks in the door from work, he can tell she has been very busy all day cleaning the house. This makes him happy.

And being a slacker mom makes me happy. Give it a try, people. You can thank me in the comment section below. If you have any additional slacker mom tips, I would love to know. Please share!

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Things that bug me- Part II

I spent some time today transferring home videos from computer to DVD. I conquered all of 2010. As I did this I was reminded that it was about time that I write about a few more things that bug me. Here goes.

1. My own heavy breathing. In most every innocent home video I have ever made, there is what sounds like a porn star huffing and puffing in the background. And I am not talking about the harmless, Cinemax-type porn, I mean the nasty stuff! Kinda creepy when you are watching a video of your sweet little babes splashing happily in the tub and there is a freak in the background audibly breathing. Even worse when that freak is you. This is all my Dad’s fault. I didn’t even know what heavy breathing was until the first time I went to the movies with my Dad. I could hardly hear all the explosions and car crashes with all that breathing going on.

2. My own obnoxious laugh. I have been teased my whole life for the high-pitched giggly squeal that occasionally erupts from within. Never before did I really get what was so unusual about my laugh…then I watched the videos. Now I get it.

3. When people use the word conversate. I looked it up to see if it is actually a real word, and apparently it is. But I don’t care. It bugs me. When people use this word I think they are trying to make themselves sound more intelligent than they really are. Guess what, Zoolander? It ain’t workin’.

4. People who are from places with cold climates who act like they are not cold when it is actually freezing outside.There is no need to prove how tough you are by wearing a tank top and shorts when it’s 30 degrees outside.

5. When children talk too much in the car. Typically my kids are not terribly chatty in the car (they make up for it at home). In the car we usually listen and sing along to quality children’s music. You know, artists like Katy Perry and Flo Rida. Normally I have only experienced this chatty-kid-in-the-car syndrome with other peoples’ children. But since my big girl started Kindergarten there is just no stopping the constant yip-yap from the backseat. I don’t know just what it is about phonics that has a caffeine+diet pill-like effect on my girl but it needs to stop already. I mean, really? How am I supposed to pick up hot guys working the drive-thru window at Chick-Fil-A when they can clearly hear my children in the background?

6. When I hang out with a friend and they spend more time yapping and texting on their cell phone than they do talking with me. Am I crazy? This one really bugs me. I can certainly understand the need to pick up a call to confirm that your children are not on fire or that your mother-in-law is not on her way over to your house. But it is surely a sign of disrespect and complete disregard to actually carry on a complete conversation as though another human being is not even there. Right? This one almost makes me feel old-fashioned but I just need to put it out there for the sake of humanity…and my whopping 13 subscribers. Oops! This may bring me down to 12…