How to be a slacker mom like me

Here are a few tips for those who wish to gain some free time despite those pesky kids underfoot. Warning: if you have only one child and said child is still a baby, you may be horrified by this post. Just wait, though. I remember a time when my sweet baby girl angel was but a wee little thing and my mother-in-law came for a visit. You remember Mommy Glo, right? MG was holding her innocent baby grandchild while sitting on the couch watching TV. I had heard of the dangers of letting babies watch TV and the damage it can cause with their speech patterns and such. In order to protect baby Madeline from the horrifyingly dangerous rays of the television, I actually used my body as a shield to block the TV from her line of sight. I simply would not allow her perfect baby self to be traumatized by even one Oprah commercial. Cut to five years later. Here are my tips:

1. Turn on the TV. As much as you need it. Seriously, as long as it is balanced with outside time, playing with friends, and most importantly the occasional visit to the wine vineyard in nearby St. Augustine (fun for kids, too!), how bad could it really be? Now I am not at all advocating an all-day everyday TV type existence like the one I had growing up. No lie, I had a TV schedule posted on the refrigerator. And I’m not talking about the one they print in the newspaper. No, I had my own handwritten schedule of what I watched every day after school, from 3pm till bedtime. Heaven forbid I miss a crucial episode of Webster or Diff’rent Strokes…Or Family Ties…Or Growing Pains…OMG, pulling up the links for the theme songs for these shows makes me all nostalgic. The Growing Pains one actually gave me the chills. I digress…

2. Take couch naps. Daily. Be sure to pick a child friendly movie to serve as babysitter so as to keep your children safe and all. Ponyo is ideal. Monsters, Inc., not so much. This movie contains scream after scream after scream. And screaming tends to interrupt ones peaceful couch slumber. And that is just tacky.

3. Act really vague whenever anyone asks you to volunteer to do something for your kids school or their activities. Eager-Mom type, “Hey! Would you like to volunteer to serve as the co-captain of our annual strawberry harvesting/cheesecake pumpkin squirrel procreation project?!” Me, “Um, yeah, um, oh wait, um, I am pretty sure I have something going on that day? Let me check my, um, calendar and let you know?” Be sure to NEVER follow up on this for as long as you live.

4. Eat at Chick-Fil-A. Often. You shell out no more than $15 for the whole fam to eat and then you get to check your mom hat at the door. The kids will easily spend an hour in the playpen play area while you get to check Facebook on your phone. Even better, bring your laptop and you can really get down on some internet scum. Just don’t ever make the newbie mistake I made for so long. Whatever you do, DO NOT sit inside that play area hell-hole. It will make your blood pressure rise faster than Bill Clinton’s man-parts did around Monica Lewinsky.

Now here’s the downside of all of this slacker mom stuff. My husband is on to me. If he comes home again unexpectedly during the day and catches me on the computer while my 2-year-old is drooling to Dora, he will likely divorce me. I prefer to know at least an hour ahead of time when he will be home. That way I can perform my normal evening routine just prior to his arrival.

I fire up my garlic scented candle. This way he has no idea that the kids really had chicken nuggets for dinner, it smells like a friggin’ Italian restaurant in here. Then I sprinkle a little flour on the countertops to imply that I have spent a bit of time baking during the day. I even take the time to lovingly scrub the marker and snot stains off the faces of my children. Supermom-like, I know.

One of my slacker mom friends has similar actions she performs just prior to her husband returning home from work. The second she hears the garage door opening, off the couch she goes. She literally pops up like toast, turns off the latest episode of Sister Wives and races to the kitchen to dump some bleach down the sink. When her man walks in the door from work, he can tell she has been very busy all day cleaning the house. This makes him happy.

And being a slacker mom makes me happy. Give it a try, people. You can thank me in the comment section below. If you have any additional slacker mom tips, I would love to know. Please share!

The power of music to transform and my newest vintage appliance, the Mixmaster

So I was getting the kids ready for school this morning and my husband turned on the Malt Shop Oldies radio station on DirecTV (channel 802). This, combined with my recent viewing of the new TV show Pan Am (loved it!), did some type of number on my brain. Instantly I was a 1960’s housewife. I started to think of what we had in the Frigidaire because I needed to cook breakfast for the kids. We were out of eggs but thank goodness we had some Tang! In my head I was planning my first Tupperware party. I half expected to turn around and see my husband in a robe and slippers, smoking a pipe while sitting in a recliner. I actually went out to the garage to check if my Nissan had been swapped out for a Studebaker. And I was this close to putting on an apron for the day and preparing to cook a pot roast.

All this talk really has me jonesing to watch one of my favorite movies of all time, Shag: The Movie.

Turns out I do not own the DVD so I can’t (but now you have a great idea for a Christmas present for me!). I would love a mental break right now so I could “go to Myrtle Beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance!”. I digress.

This was not the first time music has had this type of effect on me. I absolutely cannot listen to “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan without crying. “The Living Years” by Mike + The Mechanics has a similar effect on my tear ducts. And whenever I hear “Hey Ya!” by Outkast I cannot help but turn it up loud and start bopping around like some type of spastic animal. I don’t really like country music but I do like the Dixie Chicks. And darn it if I don’t have to hold myself back from putting on a cowboy hat whenever they come on the radio!

What about you? Does music have this same transformative power over everyone? Surely I am not freakish…right? OK, that’s all for now, I’ve got to go get the Mixmaster fired up and bake a cake or something. Ya know, just for funskies.

Being a girl’s girl and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I put off my nightly blogging duties for a few hours to catch up on the really important things in life. You know, things like Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (aka RHOBH).

So what does RHOBH have to do with being a girl’s girl? Or maybe you are wondering, what exactly is a girl’s girl? If you are a girl and this is your question, you likely are not one. First of all, a girl’s girl is NOT a man-hater. It is not even a requirement that you dislike sports, beef jerky, or urinating outdoors.

Here let us consider Camille Grammer of RHOBH. From the limited TV time I’ve spent with her, it is clear she is a classic example of someone who IS NOT a girl’s girl. Honestly, it is not jealousy that stirs me when I’m watching Camille acting all sexy and cat-like while she paddle-surfs. My general feelings toward her are not unfavorable. Rather, it is true concern that I feel as she speaks of the support she is missing in her life. She says that she lacks the support of a husband, true friends, and close family. That almost makes me feel sorry for her. Truly, my main worry as a kind-hearted viewer watching from home is related to her support system. Seriously. Have you seen the size of her boobs in comparison to the rest of her body? My honest concern for her is the “support” she must need simply trying to keep her body upright!

On the other hand, a girl’s girl truly appreciates and loves her girlfriends. Her gut reaction toward other women is not that of jealousy or competition. When a girl’s girl meets a new girl at a party or event, she is genuinely willing to start a friendship or acquaintance. She is not mean to the “new girl” simply because she can be (Kyle Richards, anyone?)…Since this cast doesn’t have much to choose from, so far my only hope for a true girl’s-girl on this season of RHOBH is Adrienne Maloof (please don’t prove me wrong, girl!).

In closing, please remember- Being a girl’s girl does not mean you are never bitchy toward other girls. It’s just that you reserve those bitchy actions for girls who truly deserve it. You know, girls like Camille Bitch-Hammer. Whoops! I mean Camille Grammer.