Things that bug me- Part IV

I know for a fact at least 3 of you missed me. Here we go again:

1. When people use the “reply all” function on texts/email. I have a friend who recently had a major body overhaul teensy bit of plastic surgery. After she sent a pic of her new hot bod to me and approximately 50 of her nearest and dearest, I started getting some really creepy texts from strangers. Here was the first: “You look so tiny. I can’t get over how sexy you look.” Um, thanks? And then: “OMG, I can’t wait to see your naked body in person!”  Hmm, a bit forward, no? I mean, I don’t even know you. And finally, this: “You look so hot babe. It sucks that we can’t do it for a few days. I want to dry-hump you so bad!” Just kidding about the last one, but you get the idea.

2. When people are afraid to use their horn. If I am sitting in front of you at a traffic light, checking out a lawn guy’s amazing body as he meticulously trims some bush and the light turns green, don’t expect me to notice it. But feel free to honk at me to tell me to go. And don’t take all day about it, either. The honk should occur approximately 4 seconds after the turning of the light. Any sooner than that and you are rude. Any longer than that and you are screwing up traffic patterns.

3. Hard-to-open packaging. Have you opened a child’s toy recently? Just what is so dangerous about a soft, fuzzy Elmo doll? I mean, other than the homicidal tendencies his voice tends to incite. Why must he be restrained in a cardboard box like poor Lindsay Lohan is in a courtroom?

4. The chintzy number of napkins they give you at Subway. Why do they only allot 1-2 napkins per customer? And why does every single Subway employee I have ever encountered go along with the shenanigans? Never have I ever had a sandwich artist slip me a few extra napkins without being asked. And when I do ask for more, they make me feel like I must explain the need for the additional napkins. “I’m sorry miss, but could you spare an extra napkin or two? See, I just had dental surgery and it didn’t go quite as planned. The surgery was only supposed to take an hour but it ended up lasting almost 7. True story. The oral surgeon said he had never seen anything like it. Apparently my mouth is much smaller than anyone would have ever expected. My mom said her mouth is like that, too. Maybe it’s genetic? Anyways, my lip is still kinda leaky. See, look? So could you spare another square?”

5. Mother freakin’ Zhu Zhu pets. Seriously. Enough said.

Things that bug me- Part III

Here we go again. And if you never did before, please be sure to check out Thing 1 and Thing 2. And without further adieu:

1. Kids with mohawks. I know that many, many people disagree with me and think that kids with mohawks are bad ass. And I get it. Clearly the parents of these kids are very cool punk rocker types. That’s rad, seriously. But why must they take this out on their innocent children? I mean, I used to be am obsessed with NKOTB. But that doesn’t mean I would put my child through the social stigma associated with having a receding hairline similar to that of Donnie Wahlberg. Can you imagine the stares I might get at Target if I shaved my boy’s head only at the temples? This would likely incur more harsh looks than the ones directed at mom’s who tote their kids around on leashes. But I don’t have a problem with fauxhawks at all. In fact, on a DILF like David Beckham, it is downright hot.

2. A bad signal on a cell phone. I’m guessing this shouldn’t bug me nearly as much as it does, but it really makes me angry. Me: “Hey, Jenny H!” Jenny H: “he…bkhj…hbgughoh… Me: “Wha-aaat? I can’t hear you! Hellloooo! Are you there?!?!” Jenny H: pause…”gvfkfvk. vuogioucfrtsetk!” Me: “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!! Whaaat?!” All of a sudden my heart is thumping angrily in my chest. God help those around me when I eventually lose my hearing one day. You think I’m cranky now? Just wait. “Whaaa-aaaat?!”

3. The endless varieties of Cream of _____ Soup. Ok, Cream of Mushroom, Cream of Chicken; that’s cool. But Cream of Asparagus? Really? Gross. I went to the grocery store earlier today to buy a couple of cans of Cream of Mushroom soup. Innocent enough, right? Wrong! I had to wade through every Campbell’s version of Cream of Mushroom soup. Low-fat, no-fat, Healthy Request, no-trans fat, no-mushroom, no-flavor, the list goes on. I never could find the plain, regular version I was looking for. Finally I just grabbed the Publix brand and was on my way.

4. Daylight saving time. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. And as much as I love any excuse to put my kids to bed before 7pm, it still bugs me. It is depressing. But what irritates me even more than DST is when people write about it excitedly on Facebook. “OMG, yay! Another hour in my day! Woo-hoo!” Yuck. Or, “I just love this longer day, I could get used to this!” Really? Are you so short-sighted that you can’t understand that you are basically trading this one stupid hour for your entire soul? Seriously. I would happily give up several hours to make this DST nonsense go away forever and let the sunlight last past 5:30pm year-round.

Now please tell me, what bugs you? Unless your answer is “this blog,” I would love to know! Also tell me if you have any suggestions for future blog posts!

Things that bug me- Part II

I spent some time today transferring home videos from computer to DVD. I conquered all of 2010. As I did this I was reminded that it was about time that I write about a few more things that bug me. Here goes.

1. My own heavy breathing. In most every innocent home video I have ever made, there is what sounds like a porn star huffing and puffing in the background. And I am not talking about the harmless, Cinemax-type porn, I mean the nasty stuff! Kinda creepy when you are watching a video of your sweet little babes splashing happily in the tub and there is a freak in the background audibly breathing. Even worse when that freak is you. This is all my Dad’s fault. I didn’t even know what heavy breathing was until the first time I went to the movies with my Dad. I could hardly hear all the explosions and car crashes with all that breathing going on.

2. My own obnoxious laugh. I have been teased my whole life for the high-pitched giggly squeal that occasionally erupts from within. Never before did I really get what was so unusual about my laugh…then I watched the videos. Now I get it.

3. When people use the word conversate. I looked it up to see if it is actually a real word, and apparently it is. But I don’t care. It bugs me. When people use this word I think they are trying to make themselves sound more intelligent than they really are. Guess what, Zoolander? It ain’t workin’.

4. People who are from places with cold climates who act like they are not cold when it is actually freezing outside.There is no need to prove how tough you are by wearing a tank top and shorts when it’s 30 degrees outside.

5. When children talk too much in the car. Typically my kids are not terribly chatty in the car (they make up for it at home). In the car we usually listen and sing along to quality children’s music. You know, artists like Katy Perry and Flo Rida. Normally I have only experienced this chatty-kid-in-the-car syndrome with other peoples’ children. But since my big girl started Kindergarten there is just no stopping the constant yip-yap from the backseat. I don’t know just what it is about phonics that has a caffeine+diet pill-like effect on my girl but it needs to stop already. I mean, really? How am I supposed to pick up hot guys working the drive-thru window at Chick-Fil-A when they can clearly hear my children in the background?

6. When I hang out with a friend and they spend more time yapping and texting on their cell phone than they do talking with me. Am I crazy? This one really bugs me. I can certainly understand the need to pick up a call to confirm that your children are not on fire or that your mother-in-law is not on her way over to your house. But it is surely a sign of disrespect and complete disregard to actually carry on a complete conversation as though another human being is not even there. Right? This one almost makes me feel old-fashioned but I just need to put it out there for the sake of humanity…and my whopping 13 subscribers. Oops! This may bring me down to 12…

Things that bug me- Part I

So I changed the blog name, still working out the kinks, have patience with the newbie please. I now present you with a post that I could continue ad infinitum. I will break it up into chunks so as not to overwhelm…Things that bug me (part I).

I was not a business major so I don’t know the official term for this. I’m going to call it over-marketing. I first noticed over-marketing earlier this summer around the time Cars 2 was released. Seems like an innocent enough kids movie, right? WRONG! This movie has actually become a type of torture device which nearly prevents me from being able to go out in public with my 2-year-old. Really it is not the movie itself that is the true source of terror, rather the products that are emblazoned with the main characters’ likenesses.

OK, Mater is sweet and all. And thinking of Owen Wilson with his cute lil’ crooked nose hiding behind McQueen’s cool-guy exterior is kinda hot. But it is simply not necessary to see their car-faces on everything from cereal bars to juice boxes to paper towels to body wash to balloons half the size of New Mexico!

Do the demons behind this nonsense not have children? Do they realize what impact their nearly criminal actions have on innocent parents trying to get a bit of grocery shopping done? The average Publix trip goes something like this:

Aisle 1: “Cars, Cars, CARS MOMMY!!!!” (Here’s where the mild glances from strangers begin. To cope, I grab whatever the kid is pointing out simply to hush him up).

Aisle 2: “CARS MOMMY!! Tow-Mater! Juice! Need juice!” (Needed juice boxes anyway so pay the extra $1 for the privilege of making eye contact with Mater every time I open the fridge).

Aisle 3: “McQueen! Mater! McQueen! Mater! Mommy, look!! Cereal!!” (I don’t even think this child eats, maybe this will do the trick?).

Aisle 4: “MOMMY! IT”S MATER AND McQUEEN!!” (This is getting old quick. My reaction at this point? “No shit, kid.”)

And so it continues until check-out at which point I am forced to pull out my Superhero-like powers. Thank heavens 2-year-olds are more distractable than Charlie Sheen at a strip club. Once I say the magic word “gum” and then produce my boy’s chewable form of crack cocaine, he doesn’t even notice as I empty half the cart of Cars-emblazoned products on the floor behind the register.

I’m guessing the cashier did, though…Sorry! I promise I’ll try to get a different cashier next week.