Several years ago, me, Cruggers, and Madeline visited Long Island, New York in December. We were accompanied by Crug’s extended family and best of all, Mommy Glo. This visit coincided with what even seasoned New Yawkers considered to be some really damn cold weather. All of us Floridians would finally get the opportunity to dust off our winter gear. We were eager to wear our cute hats, scarves, and puffy coats. And, oh yeah, our mittens and gloves, too.
Imagine the horror when then-2-year-old Madeline lost one of her precious new mittens! But it wasn’t Madeline who had a hard time getting over it. It was Mommy Glo who really struggled over the loss. She wandered the house day and night looking for the lost mitten. The only thing is, much like she does with me, she refused to refer to the mitten by its proper name. She kept calling it a “muff.” Now I don’t know about you but when I hear the word muff, something very, very different from a mitten comes to mind…hmm, I guess both are warm and cozy on the inside…oh, gross. I’ll stop there.
I still remember MG wandering all over the house like it was yesterday. “The girl lost her muff! Has anyone seen the missing muff? I wonder where she left her muff…” Needless to say, the whole family had many laughs over my girl’s missing muff. And I really started to believe that my child’s grandmother was indeed a pervert. And then earlier today my mom showed me an alphabet quilt she made with some fabric left over from
the stone age a really long time ago. Here is the image for the letter “M”:
Maybe MG is not a total perv after all! Or maybe she still is, it’s just that her and The Hurricane are in cahoots with each other in their perversion. I don’t know. But even if they are not perverts, I do have a teenybopper girl cousin (“Horndog”) who definitely is.
So Horndog came to my neighborhood last night for trick or treating with some friends. When they returned to my house, Horndog excitedly announced that she wanted to move in with me. Not because I’m a fun cousin who lets her drive my car or pilfer my alcohol or anything like that. Oh, no. She wanted to move into my house because apparently my neighborhood is filled with “DILF’s.” Having never heard this expression, I was quite amused. (I know, it’s not a word, rather an acronym, release, people.) And I won’t go into an explanation of what a DILF is. If you know, you know and if you don’t, you probably are better off not knowing. So, having learned some new lingo, I was feeling like a young hipster. I was thinking that I might start throwing this terminology into everyday use. Talking to my neighbor at the park, “Yo, Beck-Beck! Check out the ass on the DILF by the slide! Suh-weet!” Or at preschool pick-up, “Hey Shirley, did you notice Timmy’s dad’s biceps? That DILF must be on his way to the gun show.” I probably wouldn’t say anything so corny in real life,
yes I would but learning a new word just gets my giddy sometimes.
And then of course, I had to do a google search on “DILF.” And I discovered this gem from the geniuses over at funnyordie.com
And that’s all I have to say about that.