Breaking Up With Facebook

It was approximately 3.5 years ago that I committed to what would become my most solid Internet marriage, Facebook. I had previously had a short engagement with his sluttier cousin, MySpace, but our relationship soured when I announced that I was on my way to the hospital TO GIVE BIRTH TO A LIVE HUMAN BEING and got nary a comment. That spelled the end for me and MySpace. It was clearly his fault.

After the “No Comment” fiasco and a few rounds of postpartum narcotics, I was ready to enter into a new relationship.

Enter Facebook.

At first we stumbled around like new lovers. I posted stupid updates about my boring day-to-day life and my latest trip to My Gym just because that’s what I saw other people do. Eventually we found our groove and I started posting only about the most important things in my life- my kids, reality television, and occasionally my husband- in exactly that order.

So why am I ready to break up with Facebook? Am I too busy with my new baby? Do I want to take a stand against everyone who posts political opinions? Is there too much baby mama drama showing up in my news feed? Nah. It is because Facebook makes me feel guilty!

As a child I do not ever remember being subjected to posing in a wasteland of pumpkins. Kids of my generation were just happy with the occasional Ronald McDonald sighting or a nip on a candy cigarette from time to time. We didn’t need to visit Pumpkin Paradise to get the most fabulous gourd in town- they do sell them in Publix, ya know. But dammit if my kids weren’t the only ones this year who were not photographed in matching orange shirts and blue jeans in the local neighborhood pumpkin patch!

I don’t remember agreeing to this photo session when I first filled out my Mom application… Or did I? I remember agreeing to love, snuggle, and smile at a cheery newborn. I may have agreed to help a school-aged child with her homework occasionally. I think I agreed to take a few snapshots here and there. But this new phenomenon of a mandatory photo shoot for almost every holiday is just waaaay too much for a slacker mom like me!

Also making me feel guilty are the recipes and craft projects that people pin to Pinterest that show up in my newsfeed. If you are actually making even 1/2 of what you pin, you suck. If you have the time to quilt little pink fuzzy warmers for your child’s pencil erasers, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS! Also, you suck.

So will this guilt really be enough to make me break up with Facebook once and for all? Probably not. I will suffer in (near) silence. Just remember that every time you post a picture of your kids in matching outfits sitting atop an innocent pumpkin or pin a recipe for The Best Jalapeno Popper Dip EVERRRR, you are chipping away at a piece of my heart.

8 thoughts on “Breaking Up With Facebook

  1. I feel ya. As someone with a pumpkin patch photo as my cover photo, I would like to offer some perspective. Here is why I photographed my children in a pumpkin patch: (1) We got invited to a birthday party that included a hay ride and a free pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. (2) Both of my kids were dressed with their hair brushed. No one was naked. This is noteworthy. (3) No one was watching TV or playing Wii. Also noteworthy. It might help to see pumpkin photos as pathetic overcompensation for general slacker parenting. If we actually did cool crap every day, I would stop photographing it. Imagine every pumpkin photo with a caption that says, “Hey world, LOOK!! We all put on actual pants and did something besides watch TV and eat Cheez-its on the couch! Red letter day! Tomorrow goes back to normal.” And never, ever putting on pants is completely acceptable when you have a new baby.

    Oh, and pinterest? No. No one is making any of that crap. They just think it’s cute or cool or looks yummy.

    We are all the same.

    • Amen! OK, you helped put back a piece of my heart with that! I’m glad you got a good pumpkin photo op. I am saving my energy for a Christmas photo. It is hard enough to even get them all looking in the same direction, nevermind actually smiling. So I have my work cut out for me. Also I’m totally craving Cheez-Its now.

  2. Wow! I am so glad I am not the only one feeling this way. I am not creative, I don’t have the patience to take a 4 year old and 10 month old to a pumpkin patch, and I barely have enough alone time to take a shower. I don’t know how you do it with three…or these other super moms with 4 and more. I was just thinking how I should break up with Facebook for the same reasons. Thanks for voicing my thoughts.

    • Toni, that whole first year with the second is tough, don’t feel bad! I have read online that Facebook actually can be depressing because you are basically comparing your day to day life with everyone else’s “highlight reel.” I try to always keep that in mind if I start to get jealous of anyone else’s seemingly fabulous life.

  3. Glad your blog is back —I’ve missed it! I would also miss the photos of the break-up sticks! I’m hoping for a quick “make-up” session!

    • I was trying to figure out what break-up sticks were and why you wanted pictures of them…I just figured out what you meant! I don’t think I could ever actually pull the trigger and go through with it so you are safe!

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