Hell ain’t got shiz on being pregnant with twins

Ha, ha- made you look! I’m not really pregnant with twins, but as I cruise into this last month of pregnancy I feel like I might as well be. Plus I thought the words shiz and twins kinda rhyme? Maybe not. I recently read that by the 3rd trimester, women are operating on only about 80% of their normal brainpower. I could be making that statistic up. I am currently lacking the brainpower to do a simple google search to try and find the article where I may or may not have read that…

So I’m 36 1/2 weeks pregnant (do not try to cheat me out of that 1/2 week, I earned it goddammit!). And although I have been saying I am 9 months pregnant for a few weeks, (close enough, right?) it is now official. Even though this is my 3rd pregnancy, I am constantly able to amaze myself with my naivety. It was only one short week ago that I was out to dinner with friends, feeling just fine. I distinctly remember thinking, “I am like a serene earth mother. I can totally handle this last month of pregnancy. It really is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. I will be just fine, it’s not going to be as miserable as I remember it being the last two times.”

Ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaaa! Just a few days later, after the torrential downpours in NE Florida were over, the heat returned. And with it came my misery. My estimate is that 84.7% of the negative things associated with the last month of pregnancy can be attributed to the temperature. Well, at least this has been my experience. All three of mine have been summer babies.

Believe it or not, I actually planned it this way. I guess because I already have a boy and a girl, sometimes people think that this was an accidental pregnancy. Clearly these are people who do not know me very well. I plan out my kids outfits a week in advance. I write things like “take vitamin” on my daily to-do list. I have a routine for doing my routines. When my husband and I moved into our house we replaced the flooring. And it is no coincidence that the hardwood and carpets very closely match the color of our dirty blonde heads (makes for much cleaner looking floors, even when they are covered in hair). People with OCD have nothing on me. Do you really think I would leave something like a human life up to chance? No way, Jose!

I think I just love to torture myself. Why would I quit when things were just starting to get easy around here? I mean, I have two kids who wake up and get their own cereal and milk out of the fridge and watch several hours a tiny bit of TV while Mommy and Daddy catch up on their beauty rest. Clearly I needed to find a way to destroy my little piece of heaven. So I planned a pregnancy that would end in late July…Please remind me not to do that again.

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3 thoughts on “Hell ain’t got shiz on being pregnant with twins

  1. Darlin’, you know what the powers that be do to people who say things like “I feel like I might as well be pregnant with twins?” They give those people twins. You just blew your karma 12 weeks to Sunday. You know what it’s really like to be pregnant with twins? 3 1/2 weeks from now, when your belly measures at 40 weeks… like that. But then keep growing at the same pace you have been for 2 more months. And then, if you’re like me, give birth in August. You need to pinky un-jinx yourself, walk around the block backwards (after you give birth – not safe right now) and then spit over your shoulder or something. And then use good birth control, because girl… twins? When you already have three kids? You do not want that. Well, I don’t know you that well. Maybe you do. But no, I think you seem like a rational person. I think you probably don’t. So do that spitting un-jinxy thing.

    • Eeeek, I knew that I would piss off at least one person who actually had twins :/ I truly cannot imagine feeling much bigger or more uncomfortable right now so I will take your word for it. My grandma had both twins AND triplets so I have always had a fear that I might have multiple births, too. In order to prevent that I will be going with super, super strong birth control from here on out! I was just trying to get a few extra blog hits out of my Facebook friends who know I am only having one baby, ha ha. That’s what I get for trying to trick them and cheapening myself for the sake of my stats!

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