I know for a fact at least 3 of you missed me. Here we go again:
1. When people use the “reply all” function on texts/email. I have a friend who recently had a
major body overhaul teensy bit of plastic surgery. After she sent a pic of her new hot bod to me and approximately 50 of her nearest and dearest, I started getting some really creepy texts from strangers. Here was the first: “You look so tiny. I can’t get over how sexy you look.” Um, thanks? And then: “OMG, I can’t wait to see your naked body in person!” Hmm, a bit forward, no? I mean, I don’t even know you. And finally, this: “You look so hot babe. It sucks that we can’t do it for a few days. I want to dry-hump you so bad!” Just kidding about the last one, but you get the idea.
2. When people are afraid to use their horn. If I am sitting in front of you at a traffic light, checking out a lawn guy’s amazing body as he meticulously trims some bush and the light turns green, don’t expect me to notice it. But feel free to honk at me to tell me to go. And don’t take all day about it, either. The honk should occur approximately 4 seconds after the turning of the light. Any sooner than that and you are rude. Any longer than that and you are screwing up traffic patterns.
3. Hard-to-open packaging. Have you opened a child’s toy recently? Just what is so dangerous about a soft, fuzzy Elmo doll? I mean, other than the homicidal tendencies his voice tends to incite. Why must he be restrained in a cardboard box like poor Lindsay Lohan is in a courtroom?
4. The chintzy number of napkins they give you at Subway. Why do they only allot 1-2 napkins per customer? And why does every single Subway employee I have ever encountered go along with the shenanigans? Never have I ever had a sandwich artist slip me a few extra napkins without being asked. And when I do ask for more, they make me feel like I must explain the need for the additional napkins. “I’m sorry miss, but could you spare an extra napkin or two? See, I just had dental surgery and it didn’t go quite as planned. The surgery was only supposed to take an hour but it ended up lasting almost 7. True story. The oral surgeon said he had never seen anything like it. Apparently my mouth is much smaller than anyone would have ever expected. My mom said her mouth is like that, too. Maybe it’s genetic? Anyways, my lip is still kinda leaky. See, look? So could you spare another square?”
5. Mother freakin’ Zhu Zhu pets. Seriously. Enough said.