Here are just a few of the things I never thought would happen after becoming a parent.
I never expected that I would have an automatic reaction upon hearing another person sneeze. I mean, certainly if I were feeling particularly polite on a given day, I might mumble a “bless you.” But I certainly have not ever been the person to pronounce a loud and clear “God bless you” for each and every sneeze I stumble into. Especially when the sneezer in question goes on a wild sneezing spree and does the “ah! Ah! AH-Choooo” number like 30 times in a row. You might get a response for the first and second sneeze, but after that you are on your own, buddy. But now, after having kids, I do have an automatic reply to each and every sneeze. I say “chicken wing.” I try to say it either just before or as the sneeze is actually occurring. I learned this lingo from an awesome preschool teacher. It is a prompt intended to get germy children to sneeze into the crook of their arm, AKA their chicken wing.
Never did I ever imagine having a full blown argument with my husband about shoelaces. But we totally did the other day. I am wholeheartedly opposed to shoes with shoelaces for children until they are able to proficiently tie them themselves (or when they turn 14, whichever comes first). Cruggers, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to realize how horrible these laced-up contraptions are. After dealing with a crying 5-year-old who could not squeeze her foot into the precious new shoelace-riddled Nike’s that Dad brought home, this was how our argument went the other morning:
Me: You rat bastard! I will stab you in the throat with a rusty butter knife if you ever bring a pair of shoelaces into this house EVER again!
Crug: Seriously?…You are going to stab me over shoelaces?
Me: Damn right, you #$&#$#^&*()(*&!!!!! I can’t believe you could be such a ^%$#@#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that was that. Did I ever mention that I was a Psychology major in college? Oh, yeah. I totally know the “correct” way to argue and I obviously practice the skills that I learned.
Here’s another one I never saw coming. Making up my own lullabies. Well, not the entire lullaby, only the parts I forget. You have probably heard the lullaby entitled, “Hush, Little Baby.” Well if you are anything like me, you don’t know the lyrics past the second line. Here is my version:
Hush, little Baylor, don’t say a word, Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing, Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
**And here’s where I start making crap up**
And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Mama’s gonna buy you a box of wine.
And if that box of wine ain’t good, Mama’s gonna buy you a block of wood.
And if that block of wood ain’t hard, Mama’s gonna buy you a credit card.
What? That’s not how you sing it, too?